School shooting leads to inevitable backlash against video games

If you haven’t heard, a school shooting in Connecticut has lead to the deaths of 27 people, 20 of them small children.

And of course, the mass media has been unable to resist turning this awful tragedy into a mass panic concerning parts of society and culture that are considered ‘scary’ by people over the age of sixty, and so Fox News have already started to attack video games and the social network Facebook. Check out the link to see the spin that the ultra-reliable and always-accurate Fox News have put onto the story.

And the worst part? It’s all backfired massively.

Ryan Lanza, the brother of the accused killer Adam Lanza was accidentally named on the media as being the killer himself. Later, news outlets Tweeted his name and Facebook profile, resulting in torrents of abuse being directed at the wrong man. Hell, sometimes it wasn’t even the right Ryan Lanza that got the blame.

This is fucking awful, I think you can all agree. But how do video games link into this? Well hold your pants, because this ride is about to take a zany twist.

It was noticed that Ryan Lanza – NOT the killer, as already covered – had liked the Facebook page of popular game, Mass Effect. And this prompted the media to point to this as the major reason for the school shootings, since obviously playing the blame game like this has never turned out to be a stupid move. This has lead to the Mass Effect page coming under a significant attack by various gullible wankers who wouldn’t know how to categorise a game if it sodomised their partner. Especially if it sodomised their partner.

So now Mass Effect is a bad media influence, despite the guys who fingered it as such getting the wrong guy and pointing out the wrong game. A game who is owned by one of the most powerful gaming companies in the world. Why don’t they just wipe their arse on a copy of World of Warcraft whilst they’re at it? I’m sure that wouldn’t lead to any bad repurcussions either. EA may be bastards, but they’re our bastards, and if there’s one way for EA to make themselves popular again, standing up for themselves and gaming to various news outlets would be a good start. But that’s unlikely, since they’ll likely just roll over and beg like a good boy, much like we’ve seen before.

Seriously, fuck EA and fuck Fox.

Gabe Newell will save us.

Skyrim: Dragonborn trailer – first thoughts.

First off, if you haven’t seen the trailer yet, here it is. Sit back, crank the volume up, and enjoy.

Wipe the drool away; it’s disgraceful. You’re meant to be grown up.

So it turns out that yes, you’ll be facing off against another Dragonborn in this coming DLC. And even better, he used to be a Dragon Priest. The normal Dragon Priests were enough of a pain to deal with, so having this guy thrown into the bargain sounds like a great reason to look over your Daedric armoured shoulder again.

But not only that (and what made me the most excited) was what we saw at 20 seconds into the video. That’s Morrowind. Yes. Morrowind. As of Elder Scrolls III fame. It looks like we’re finally going to get to go back there again after ten years and see what two hundred years in the face has done for the already alien-looking place.

With Morrowind comes the wildlife that only Morrowind can have. Houses made out of giant crab shells, Netches, giant mushroom trees, and at 1.03, what looks an awful lot like victims of Corprus. This is going to be only so much guff to those who haven’t played Morrowind, but it’ll help if you think of this as Skyrim‘s zombie DLC.

It’s not known how much of Morrowind has been mapped, or even if it’s Morrowind at all (dream sequences and small islands are abound in the Elder Scrolls world), but even if it isn’t Morrowind I’m sure I’ll find a way to cope. On the back of my dragon-mount. Whilst fighting goblins riding boars. In new armour, with new spells.

I think I’ll manage. Somehow.

What I’ve been playing: Solitaire.

There are games that cause your processor to groan with pure pain. There are games that absorb you and refuse to let you go. Games that thrust you in to a living, breathing world like none you’ve ever seen before. life unfolds around you and the game makes you a hero, a wizard, a villain, an explorer of the vast expanses of space.

And then there’s Solitaire.

It’s a card game.

And I can’t seem to stop playing it.

I used to play Solitaire when I was a kid. I think most people did. Either with actual cards, or as one of the inbuilt games on Windows I used to sink hours into the game and I like to think I got pretty good at it. I wasn’t, since I only used to use the draw one rules, rather than the devilish draw three, but I still had fun.

And so, I decided to get a Solitaire game on my phone. What could be the harm? The little processor could handle it easily since I can now play the Pokémon games on it. It’d be a harmless distraction during times of boredom.

I’m reliably informed* that this is the way Satan works. Convince you that such a small and tiny thing can barely make a difference… and once you’ve let it in BAM – you lose days.

Solitaire certainly does. Almost every spare moment has been consumed by this horrific beast from below. Sometimes it’s gotten so bad that I see the board when I close my eyes. The compulsive little whore whispers ‘just one more… go on’ at 4am when I really need to sleep. Modern games boast about a playing experience that goes into the tens of hours, or an infinite number of quests, like Skyrim.

Well fuck those guys. Solitaire has a different playing experience every single time. And they say that every game can be solved. Bollocks. There are times that, with my bloodied and now useless stumps of fingers, even I am forced to admit defeat. And then the black seven, sitting atop a covered red eight, laughs at me across the virtual dimensions. It knows it’s won. But only this time.

You may think it’s just a seven. But all I see is a giant ‘FUCK YOU’.

And that’s the reason that I’ve managed to get my record time for completing a game down to one minute fifty seconds. Because I need  that sweet hit of numbers.

I thought World of Warcraft was the worst for heady number compulsion. Oh, but I was so, so wrong.

Someone, please help me.

*No I’m not.

It’s Solitaire. You have it. But if you’re really lazy, click here to play a game. Oh god, it’s automatically started a game! Noooooooo…

E3 report – Assassin’s Creed, Kinect and anger.

E3 is over. The dust has settled, and a thousand nerds have gone home. And despite my honeyed words and beautiful face, I’m not a real journalist. So, to the despair of many groupies, I wasn’t there. However, I did tune in in order to watch the spectacle online, and with my usual definitive and absolute word on all matters gaming, I pronounce that it’s been a pretty standard E3. The presentations were terrible, the presenters somehow even worse, and the usual self-congratulatory bollocks were vomited by industry reps. Pretty standard for the gaming industry’s flagship show. But hey, we got to see some decent games, so we can put up with whatever bullshit stunts, presenters or just plain awful scripting that they throw at us. Lets look at some of those things that we did come to E3 to see.

Assassin’s Creed III.



I love the Assassin’s Creed franchise, and to be completely frank, I’m going to be buying this game at launch despite any flaws, up to Ubisoft staff eating my grandparents whilst wearing Ezio t-shirts. But I’m hre to nitpick, so that’s what I’m going to do.

Visit anywhere in cyber-space with a comment system and you’ll find the same question: ‘are the British the bad guys?’ Ubisoft had a great chance to finally clear ther air at E3 with their staged question, so with the usual Ubisoft approach to problems, they scaled the stage, cleared their throats, straightened their ties, and fell off of the stage.

The fact that this question came up at all shows that this has been causing some consternation on the intertubes and Ubisoft must have known this (unless they’re failing entirely with their audience) and so it only makes it even worse that they failed answer the question in any way. Instead of answering the question, what they actualy said was that the new main character – Connor – cares about fighting Templars, not the British. Well in that case, Connor clearly has some hobbies that Hannibal Lector would balk at, if not only for his obviously patriotic sentiments. Everywhere Assassin’s Creed-related we turn these days shows Connor gutting yet another one of this filthy Brits. So I hardly think it’s my fault for making an assumption that Connor has a homocidal tendency towards those of an Empire-building persuasion. It’ll be nice if the game gives us the option to kill either side, but I know that likely won’t be an option. Come on Connor, let me and thee show those Republican rotters what for! For tea and crumpets, what what!

At one point in the trailer we do see Connor chatting amicably to a British soldier and not gutting him from collar to groin. Paint me cynical, but thanks to the rest of the footage I can only see this as an attempt to appease tea-stained British keyboards. Ubisoft were wise to see this backlas coming, but this rough attempt at masking an obvious bias is only going to make the bias seem worse in the long run. The chances are high that this British soldier is either: an American sympathiser; a decent and hardworking commander trying to protect his men from the incompetant British high command; or Benedict Arnold pulling a double agent role for the Assassins. Whilst the last idea makes me a little wet between the legs, purely for the historical fuck-around, it doesn’t change the fact that the British are irreversably the bad guys. The last AC games had managed to avoid this problem because the bad guys were so shorn of any defining nationality. The Templars were just Templars. They were obviously European, but that was made to represent any specific nation, and Europe is a large place. And the emphasis was on the fact that they were Templars rather than Europeans. In Assassin’s Creed II Rodrigo Borgia was referred to as ‘the Spaniard’, but he didn’t represent the Spanish people as a whole and his goons weren’t Spanish either. They were just unidentifiable ‘bad guys’. Perhaps the game was aimed against the institution of the Papacy, but this historical period is well-known to have been plagued by extreme corruption within the Papacy, and therefore this problem is neatly averted; the enemy is the politician corrupting the purity of the Pontificate, and therefore is not the fault of the religion. In Assassin’s Creed III, the enemy is very obviously the British. Connor’s wrath is not widespread and as such it’s obvious that his enemy is the British forces. No other nationality seems to be involved to such an extent, certainly not in the trailers. And that makes it seem as if the British are evil. I realise that we can’t go against history in such an obvious way, but would it have killed Ubisoft to have Conor killing Templars on both sides of the war? I realise thar Hollywood has used the ‘evil English guy’ trope for a long time,and that the English have come to accept their role as ‘the bad guy’ in media. But this time it’s not just one randomly evil bloke, but an entire army. The common foot soldier wouldn’t be here out of his own volition, and it seems unfair to slaughter only them for a choice that wasn’t theirs. Yes, I realise the goons from the last games were in the same boat, but it wasn’t nearly as easy to identify with them, as stripped of identity as they were. I’m just relieved that Ubsoft developed this with a team of multiple faiths and nationalities, because otherwise I’d be jolly ticked off!

Blimey, perhaps this is how the Russians feel.

Anyway, enough of that point. Navigate to Google and you can probably find at least a half-dozen rants about the use of the British in ACIII. So let us move to something more pleasant for everybody; the actual gameplay. I had some misgivings about the gameplay going into E3 and in true video game industry-style E3 has done little to assuage these fears. The Assassin’s Creed series has always been about having a freedom of movement not given in other titles; as long as you can run, climb, or jump there, then Assassin’s Creed lets you go there. ACIII introduces a whole new dimension to this; trees and forest. Tree-running still looks awkward, despite the smooth and fluid demo shown before and after E3. It just looks as if it will lack the perfect ease of the system from the earlier games; buildings have more obvious grip-points and come to a very obvious end, and even despite these advantages I still had problems with traversing them from time-to-time. Tying this system into a much less definable naturistic setting just seems as if it’ll create more problems with an already occasionally fiddly system. What will mark out one part of climbable bark from a piece that’s untraversable? At which point will a tapering branch be unable to support my weight? White cloth had always marked areas where free-running sections began, so will snow fulfill the same function now? Yes, Assassin’s Creed seriously needed some new mechanics, and this sequel is looking like the first innovation from the series since Assassin’s Creed II, but I’m worried that Ubisoft are going too far, and biting off too much. My fear is that the developers will lose the fluid movement that we’ve come to expect and love from our Assassin heroes.

Speaking of additions, another addition is an inclusion of gathering quests. More common in the MMO genre, this addition is sure to spark some questions, and as you might expect I have some qualms about this addition. The downside of gathering quests in MMOs is that they become a chore very quickly, and I fear for that in the AC franchise. However, I can’t help but feel that the nature of the AC games will save it from this; since the player does not require experience to level up (as far as we’ve seen) gather quests can stay as an interesting extra quest to be fulfilled when bothered, rather than an essential and boring stepping stone. Hopefully the system will be based off of Skyrim‘s Radiant AI, and quest targets will be randomly generated to a degree. After all, people don’t stop needing supplies. Another interesting element would be to tie assassination missions into a similar random generator, giving a potentially unlimited pool of quests. Fairly positive, you might think? Well, maybe. But I certainly wouldn’t want to see a reputation system tied into the quests you do, or a Dead Rising 2-style of timed missions throughout. Thankfully, I can’t see these coming about.

Finally, the combat system has taken a massive overhaul – the combat system in the recent AC games has felt stale for a while, and now the developers are taking steps to combat this. Attacks can now come from multiple people and angles at once, eliminating the shockingly bad attack queues that we saw in the other titles and counter-centric combat that became the bread-and-butter of fighting far too easily. With the addition of multiple attacks comes the possibility of multiple counters and an increase in the fluidity of combat. Multiple counters allow you to counter those two pesky attackers on either side, whether that just be by a simply back-step or by pushing one into the other. The ability to use human shields is another crucial part of this, allowing you to use one of those pesky British (gah!) as a shield against the ranged weapons of his friends. Friends who’ll miss him when he’s gone YOU CRUEL BASTARDS.

Firearms are one of the largest changes in this installment and they will no longer be relegated to the occasional shot in battle as seen in the later ACII series. Warfare is now centred around the noisy things, and as a melee-orientated character Connor’s repetoire has had to be stepped up in order to tackle a new type of fighting. The more fluid combat now allows Connor to slas-and-run, an element that had always been missing from earlier Assassins. Thanks to this, Ezio now looks static compared to Connor’s rolling style that makes mobile killing a priority.

As you can tell, I have my problems with what I’ve seen, but the fact that Ezio has finally been put out to pasture has me excited and the footage that we saw has only made me more excited. Sod the patriotric problems, and let me at the tree-running! Roll on October.

Kinect, Smartglass and other rubbish.

Why the hell has it become even a thing at E3 for software that is only gaming related in the loosest sense to dominate presentations? I admit that Kinect is a damn fine piece of technology when it works, and that there is room in the gaming industry for motion controllers. My objection is to Microsoft forcing them down throats in a desperate attempt to make good on this expensive Wii-addon to their console. If they’d been any more desperate to sell the damn thing, they’d have been on QVC at 3am. I’m not a 360-gamer, but the atmosphere I’d generally garnered was that people thought Kinect was a great idea, but they’d be damned before they let the sensitive cunt into their front rooms, much like any modern rock band. And to my eyes, that’s a fine ideal: motion controls are a lot of fun, and I can see the appeal in having them. But they’re something that you don’t use all of the time, mainly because the technology is still so shaky and infantile. It’s a complete bitch to use at times and whilst I can’t fault Microsoft for trying to remedy this problem, I can fault the solution that they’ve come up with.

I can see how it works in some games; Kinect looks like a genuine boon in a title like Madden and FIFA, not to mention the hilarious feature of being able to shout at the referee and be punished correspondingly. Shouting into your Kinect to distract a guard in Splinter Cell: Blacklist is a great idea. If I owned a 360, I might consider using these features. One major fault holds me back: people are assholes. If I’m playing with some friends, as I often do, then all it’ll take is one of them to call over a guard when I don’t want it, or call an order I don’t want. Add to this the problems that all voice integration has with understanding different accents, nuances and terms and we have a terrible recipe for frustration. These ‘new’ innovations may cause more controllers to go flying than Dark Souls.

My advice for Microsoft would be to work on making Kinect as perfect as possible before harping on about any more integration. Get the underlying technology right, and people will use it. Let them know you’re working on making it better, but don’t fucking harp on about it like a stunned lamb. The part of the presentation on how to search on Google using only your voice was a bloody shambles. You may have noticed the quotation marks around the word ‘new’ in the last paragraph, and that’s because I’ve been able to do most of the stuff that they ‘announced’ on my phone since I bought it two years ago. And it wasn’t even new then. I think this is the root of the problem for myself and various other people; this tech just isn’t new to anyone who’s owned a smartphone for the last few years. Siri and .iriS (the Android version) arrived years ago and most of us have had chance to mess with them for a bit before getting bored. And that leads me on to my last problem with the system: it’s just not possible to use a voice integration program without either seeming like a twat or by arrogantly silencing in a room before you talk. Which amounts to basically the same thing.

And the the last paragraph basically sums up my problem with SmartGlass too; not new enough. Looking up information about the program being watched on the TV? I can use my phone for that, or one of those over-priced tablets that you’ve all been flogging for a few years. The last thing that I need is another piece of technology to clog up my chair’s arms, and I’m certainly not gonna pay an exorbitant amount of money for technology I already own in one form or another. If I might be so bold as to denounce an entire company (but I’m a lone blogger, of course I know better) this has been Microsoft’s problem for too long now; they just keep trying to reinvent the wheel. Nintendo brought out decent motion control first, and although Microsoft surpassed their effort by removing the controller entirely, it will always be remembered that Nintendo succeeded first.

Microsoft needs something new and innovative, and they failed to do that at E3 this year.

BC: The Unlikely Saviour of PC Gaming

Article first published as The Unlikely Saviour of PC Gaming on Blogcritics.

Whilst I’ll never advocate piracy, either maritime or electronic, I do believe they have the right idea about some things. Frilly shirts, large hats, a penchant for all things shiny… pirates have a good time about life. My largest point of envy for pirates, though, is the fact that they never have to suffer DRM. DRM, or digital rights management, that boil upon PC gaming’s overwise volumptuous and tempting bottom, has hit a new low in inconveniencing paying customers. And the pirates get none of it.

See, once a game has been cracked, it’s cracked. It might take a while; Ubisoft’s infamous always-online DRM took months to crack – but they got there in the end. And once they’ve done it, they have a game stripped of all of the annoying things that continue to plague us paying customers.

I understand why DRM has to exist, I really do. And I honestly don’t mind about entering CD keys on install. That’s been part of being a PC gamer since before I can remember. That’s normal and quite acceptable. What isn’t acceptable is the new DRM that companies think they need in order to preserve what they believe are lost profits. Always-online, limited installs, Games for Windows Live, Steam… they’re all DRM in one ugly form or another, and whilst some are more acceptable than others (I’m a massive fan of Steam and Valve) they’re still a way of chasing after vanishing ghost profits.

I don’t understand economics, and certainly not the economics of piracy, but I do understand one thing; pirates probably wouldn’t have bought the game anyway. Whether or not you feel you have lost a sale from piracy, the truth is that you probably haven’t. And if they weren’t gonna buy the game anyway, then you’ve lost nothing. Technically, you haven’t lost anything anyway, since a digital version of the game hardly amounts to a physical copy anyway – it isn’t the same as stealing. Nothing physical has been lost. But that’s something I don’t understand deeply about, and am probably wrong about anyway. Feel free to pick apart my fleeting knowledge in the comment section; back onto the subject.

The DRM that is supposed to keep pirates away and stop them from playing the games that the companies have worked so hard to make (and they have) only inconveniences those who have to put up with it – the consumers of the product. Those honest people who actually bought the game. The pirates breeze right by as if the restrictions weren’t there, and it’s us honest people who foot the bill.

It’s like a sign saying, ‘don’t buy this game!’

Some might side with the game creators on this issue, and I can see why. Yes, they have the right to protect their intellectual property from people who are distributing it unofficially. But why must they feel the need to prosecute the innocent in order to vainly strike out at those who aren’t affected by it anyway? It really isn’t a good business ethic, and it must be stopped. Surely, great minds such as theirs must be able to figure out a new method of DRM that doesn’t infringe on their users and actually stops pirates from using unlicensed software. Steam managed it – despite it being a variation of the always-online DRM, it still allows you to be offline (sometimes, when it’s not being buggier than Starship Troopers) and is generally unintrusive to your gameplay. The same can’t be said for Microsoft’s Games for Windows Live. Having to log in through a buggy and slow interface every single time I boot a game was stupidly annoying, and made only more so by the fact that I knew pirates wouldn’t have to go through this rigmarole every time they wanted to play Arkham Asylum.

And so, I come to the main reason I typed this article. My solution to the whole shaboodle is a simple one, and I expect that many of you have come up with it yourself. It comes in two steps: buy the game you like, despite the horrible DRM; then pirate a version that doesn’t have the offending demon-DRM. You still bought the game, and that should give you the right to play it however you like, especially if that’s without restrictive DRM that doesn’t apply to you, a person who actually bought the game and can prove it with a boxed/digital copy.

And frankly, if that’s not legal, you have to wonder why not.

BC: Why We Care About Historical Accuracy.

Article first published as Why I Care About Historical Accuracy. on Blogcritics.

Quickly, before I copypasta this article in, I want to say a few words. The tag ‘BC’ now means that this article was first written for Blogcritics and was first published there. This doesn’t mean I’m abandoning the blog, since I can post the same articles on here, and actually means that there’ll be a wider degree of stuff on here now! Hurrah!

Anyway, without further ado, here is the first post I wrote for Blogcritics.

So this is my first Blogcritics post. Hello, my name is Mark. I study Ancient and Medieval History at university, I do historical re-enactment and I love historical accuracy in my gaming. It’s a very clear divide: those who whine about the accuracy and those who who don’t care. The most common answer is ‘why does it matter? Why do you care?’. And I want to explain why we do care. Why it does matter.

I wasn’t always this way; I started out as most other people do; I hated it when self-proclaimed historians ridiculed at the inaccuracies that they saw in films and games. I hated it when someone disregarded a game I enjoyed simply because it wasn’t up to their exact standards. And when I entered into my degree, I vowed to never be that way.

Last week, I watched Kingdom of Heaven with a group of my friends and I laughed at it and mocked the version of ‘history’ it proclaimed. I go to re-enactment events and criticise other societies kit and gossip under my breath about wrong colours and out-of-period helmets. I’ve become that which I hated. And I’ve realised why we do it.

The epiphany came whilst I was reading a rather boring article about the inheritance customs of the Normans. The article stressed that William the Conqueror’s inheritance to his son was not down to any system set in place, but because he chose who inherited what. And I thought: ‘why can’t I do that in Medieval II: Total War? I want to choose who inherits the kingdom, rather than letting the game choose my eldest son by default, because that’s how William did it. I was disappointed that a game I loved so much wouldn’t allow me to follow in the footsteps of a great historical figure.


And that’s the root of the grievance. As a gamer, I expect to be drawn into a world and I expect to feel like a part of it. That’s basic immersion; that’s what all fictional media attempts to do. The problem is that as I learn more history, I expect the same games to live up to my new expectations, and as I learn more and more I notice more and more of what doesn’t fit; what’s out of place; what isn’t accurate. And that breaks the immersion and I no longer feel as snugly in-universe as I did.

I’m now disappointed when I start Civilization V as Alexander III of Macedon, and get Athens as my starting city. Sure, I could change that, but that’s not the point. That’s not what makes me sad. Not only can I not follow in Alexander’s footsteps and start from his true origins, but I’ve been broken from the experience that I could be Alexander the Great.

And that’s where modding communities come into their own. There are always a bunch of people out there who are willing to spruce up the authenticity of a game. The Stainless Steel mod for Medieval II; mods that let you have a correct starting location in Civ V… stuff like this fills me with glee and breaths life back into a new game. And it’s not because I’m anal about the whole thing, it’s because I care about my own experience in the game: I want to follow such great historical figures and see if I can better them. And when a game doesn’t allow you do that to the best of your knowledge it’s frustrating to the point where your immersion and experience in that world is tainted.

So please, the next time you see a ‘historian’ complaining about the level of realism, take a step back from the standard response and think about what he feels is missing. I’m not saying not to tell him to STFU, I’m just hoping you understand more about why he feel it’s important. I’m just asking not to type that sentence.

‘Why does it matter?’

Until next time, game well.

Find me at my profile on Blogcritics.

How I like to play Deus Ex

Deus Ex, for me, has always been something that I loved. Waaaaay back in the annals of time, back when my Playstation 2 was my primary games machine I played the original Deus Ex. And I played it… badly.

Back then, I was a rampant cheater. I cheated my way through every game I could. And I loved it; games weren’t about the challenge, they were about having cheap fun. And I enjoyed blasting through whilst being invunerable, or completely invisible all the time. Perhaps it led to my current laziness. It would certainly explain a lot.

But that was the first and only time that I ever played through the original Deus Ex, the whole way. Since then, I’ve done as many have, and played the first level over and over again. It’s a yearly ritual that must be observed by certain members of society, like Easter, Christmas and the dreaded annual Cleaning of the Heat Sink.


And since I stopped using cheats, I stopped playing the way I did then. Granted, I did play in a manner unlike any other person playing Deus Ex; berserk charges with the Dragon Tooth Sword. But now I play all sneaky-sneaky, with non-lethal takedowns.

It was slow-going, and sometimes I hated myself for choosing it, and sometimes it just plain didn’t work – I’d leave an area, dragging myself by my one barely-functioning arm, leaving a trail of blood from my shattered limbs. Often, the reason why I quit was because I couldn’t face the sheer amount of energy that it took to play through the levels. It was totally exhausting. And I loved it. There was no game like it. None at all.

I aimed to play Deus Ex: Human Revolution in the same way. I’d seen the trailers, and I’d chosen the stealth/social route. And I aimed to be non-lethal throughout it too. Not, because of the achievement that I later discovered, but because I’d always played it that way.

It started well. I worked my way to about the halfway point in the game, and apart from a single guy I’d killed in the prologue to test the shooting, I hadn’t killed a single person. I ghosted from one area to another, taking down criminals with arm-wrenches, neck blows and just plain-old punches. I was the silent predator. I was the shadow in the night. I was the mother-fucking Batman.


And then those invisible bastards showed up. The first time I tried to get through them, it went badly. They noticed me early on, and I spent fifteen minutes in a vent, desperately trying to tranq enough of them so that I could get through. But those invisible bastards just kept shooting me whenever I popped my head out.

I wasn’t Batman any more. I was too pissed off to be Batman any more.

I’d put some points into hacking earlier, and revenge was best served cold. I reloaded, snuck into the room adjacent and hacked the console. I had control of their robot, and I turned it on them. I watched through the cameras as their previously loyal robot tore into them, blowing them apart. It soon relented to the sustained assault of their weapons, but it had felt… glorious.

I was unleashed. And it felt good.

I could use the pistol that I had been patiently upgrading throughout the game, and I did. Those invisible bastards troubled me no longer.

And that was the end of my non-lethal playthrough. It was just too much. Although I stayed stealthy and used non-lethal takedowns when I could, I had more options now. The game got a lot easier.

Of course, not everything was as good. The much maligned boss battles were a pain. At least, until I realised what worked. And mines worked.

My final battle with the snake-dude went something like this:

  1. Throw EMP mine.
  2. Throw frag mine.
  3. Throw frag mine.
  4. Throw frag mine.
  5. Win LIKE A BAWS.

And that was it. Whilst I’d struggled against the first boss, now I had an obvious routine. Which was ironic, because so did they. I didn’t view them as much of a problem, once I had my technique down. They were just an annoying break in the middle of the game, like an unusually-interactive loading screen. They advanced the plot… but that was about it. They weren’t fun, they weren’t clever, and they weren’t Deus Ex. They really dropped the ball with the bosses.

But apart from that and the constant golden-filter over my screen, I really enjoyed the game. I played it from beginning to end and had fun the whole way through. I might have lost my morals, but I gained something else, something very important. A psychotic viewpoint towards life.

Next, full on Batman playthrough. Oh fuck yes.

Why I Love Team Fortress 2

Team-based shooters have always been something of a no-go area for me. I had played Counter-Strike: Source enough times to know that it wasn’t for me. Apart from the occasional GunGame map, I tend to steer well clear of it. And why? Because I’m a noob. I’m not much of a shooter. I’m competent and I always have been. But I lack the fast-twitch skills and the hair-trigger mouse finger to really rise to the top. Perhaps my easily-distracted nature has gimped me, and all I need is practice, but I’ve never been one for sticking with a game when I’m rubbish at it and not having fun. I’d rather go play a different game and have fun than stick with a game I’m not enjoying. Judge me if you like, but I know what I like.

And that’s where Team Fortress 2 comes in. When it was released, I scoured the review, and the details of the combat enthralled me. The options! The taunts! The characters! Everything pulled me towards this game; it was shiny-central for my short-attention span.

As soon as I had a PC that could run it (my old laptop was dying a slow and painful heat-death), I bought The Orange Box and installed it. Heaven was mine! Team Fortress 2 was as good as I thought it’d be and I loved it! I’d arrived just as the Gold Rush levels were released and those levels were my Mecca. They still are, in fact. With forays into custom maps, I loved everything about it. The maps, the weapons, the community… everything was great. I even dragged large amounts of my clan into it, and they play it to this day.

That looks quite painful. With the gunshot wounds, of course.
And then I got bored and stopped playing.

This happens with a lot of games, as regular readers will know. Hell, non-regular readers should have figured it out by now. But Valve were on to me. With nano-cameras no larger than the dust particles in The Orange Box, they watched me and millions of other players become slowly bored and start switching off hl2.exe.

What happened next is detailed in the Not-So-Elder Scrolls(TM) as held by Markus Persson:

Gabe Newell did arise and proclaime: ‘THIS SHALT NOT BE!’
The Valve offices and pie shops shook with his wrath, for his was this game, and he foresaw the immenent downfall.
And the great chjinn bellowed and smashed and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Until the Great Prophet Walker did arrive, and with a calm voice did he quiet the great beast.
And ‘lo, was Hatdora’s Box opened, and unlocks were unleashed upon an unsuspecting world.

Valve released the unlock system and people came flooding back. Or maybe they’d been there all the time, and it was just me who arrived like so many Noahs. My playtime with the Medic was tiny, but I came back anyway. I joined the mad-Medic rush that consumed servers like a healing wind of needles. Whilst I got few of the unlocks, perhaps one – Valve had intrigued me, and I waited for the next class update with bated breath, knowing that it was sure to be a class that I played.


And boy, they didn’t disappoint. The Pyro Update rocked my world and set it on fire. Much like a girl you might pick up in a seedy bar, the Backburner granted guaranteed crits from behind and left afterburn. Only in TF2 would that be a good thing.

Drops came much later to the game than unlocks. Originally, the only way to get new items was to earn them through the achievement system. Later, that changed when the drop system was implemented. Now there was a way to get items without earning them! You simply played long enough for stuff to drop. So I played. And played. And played. And fuck all dropped. Valve had made it pretty damn hard to get items. Hats were even harder to get. The chances of me ever getting a hat from a drop weren’t great.

And thankfully, they changed that. Now the drops come pretty often, and although hats aren’t any quicker than they used to be, they’re only cosmetic items anyway, so who gives a shit? It’s the shiny new weapons that I care about!

And wow, aren’t they fantastic. Even now, Valve are adding more and more new items. And despite the age of the game it’s still fun to get a new weapon to play with. TF2 isn’t like an MMO, where a new weapon generally means an upgrade to your existing skills. In TF2 it’s so much more; it’s an addition of skills and a change in playstyle. When the Engineer update released, I ran around with a Gunslinger, punching people in the mouth. It’s not how the Engineer should be played, but who cares? I could punch people with a robo-fist! This new item made melee a fun and viable alternative to playing the Engineer in the normal way. Some changes are obviously more blatant than others, such as the Demoknight becoming the unofficial tenth class, but I’m sure that Valve were looking at me personally with their Valvebots when they designed the Enforcer. Or was that community-designed? Either way, it fitted beautifully with my Spy playstyle of ‘run-and-gun IN THE FACE’. And whilst it might mean that creepy teenagers designing TF2 weapons are spying on me, I’m fine with that, because it fitted into my niche (ooh err). Each and every new weapon has opened new options in playing TF2, and exploring the new niches of each class is a blast. Literally, in some cases.

More importantly for me, the drop system has kept Team Fortress 2 alive. Valve have done much the same as major MMOs in offering new content to keep the audiences, and best of all, Valve did it all for free. I’ve never had to pay anything past the box price for The Orange Box.

I love you, Valve. And I love you, Team Fortress 2. Long live you both.

Much love to Gabe Newell and Robin Walker, despite my ribbing. And the same to Bethesda, despite their suing of Notch aka Mr. Minecraft. Team Fortress 2 is already in your Steam list since it went free-to-play, so go play it!