There are games that cause your processor to groan with pure pain. There are games that absorb you and refuse to let you go. Games that thrust you in to a living, breathing world like none you’ve ever seen before. life unfolds around you and the game makes you a hero, a wizard, a villain, an explorer of the vast expanses of space.
And then there’s Solitaire.
It’s a card game.
And I can’t seem to stop playing it.
I used to play Solitaire when I was a kid. I think most people did. Either with actual cards, or as one of the inbuilt games on Windows I used to sink hours into the game and I like to think I got pretty good at it. I wasn’t, since I only used to use the draw one rules, rather than the devilish draw three, but I still had fun.
And so, I decided to get a Solitaire game on my phone. What could be the harm? The little processor could handle it easily since I can now play the Pokémon games on it. It’d be a harmless distraction during times of boredom.
I’m reliably informed* that this is the way Satan works. Convince you that such a small and tiny thing can barely make a difference… and once you’ve let it in BAM – you lose days.
Solitaire certainly does. Almost every spare moment has been consumed by this horrific beast from below. Sometimes it’s gotten so bad that I see the board when I close my eyes. The compulsive little whore whispers ‘just one more… go on’ at 4am when I really need to sleep. Modern games boast about a playing experience that goes into the tens of hours, or an infinite number of quests, like Skyrim.
Well fuck those guys. Solitaire has a different playing experience every single time. And they say that every game can be solved. Bollocks. There are times that, with my bloodied and now useless stumps of fingers, even I am forced to admit defeat. And then the black seven, sitting atop a covered red eight, laughs at me across the virtual dimensions. It knows it’s won. But only this time.
|You may think it’s just a seven. But all I see is a giant ‘FUCK YOU’.|
And that’s the reason that I’ve managed to get my record time for completing a game down to one minute fifty seconds. Because I need that sweet hit of numbers.
I thought World of Warcraft was the worst for heady number compulsion. Oh, but I was so, so wrong.
Someone, please help me.
*No I’m not.
It’s Solitaire. You have it. But if you’re really lazy, click here to play a game. Oh god, it’s automatically started a game! Noooooooo…