Who Needs Netflix On The Nintendo Switch?

A couple of weeks ago, the news broke that a Netflix app was in the works for the Nintendo Switch. News sites eagerly piled in, with some proclaiming that access to the ubiquitous streaming service should be standard issue in this day and age on all games consoles.

But really, is this the case? Does the Nintendo Switch even need Netflix?

The streaming service seems all-encompassing in this day and age. At time of writing, I am within reach of four different devices with Netflix access – the PS3, my housemate’s Xbox One, the smartphone in my pocket, and the Chromebook I’m writing on. Upstairs, I have my PC, and my Fire tablet. Both have access to Netflix. I might have slightly more devices available to me than the average consumer (which is debatable), but that’s not even counting the devices in the house that belong to other people.

Even I can’t hide from other people all the time

And I’m going to lay my cards out: I don’t watch a lot of television. But despite that, I have many, many options for watching Netflix. Right now, I could stream House of Cards without moving from my soft sofa-throne. So really, why should anyone care whether the Nintendo Switch has access to the all-encompassing streaming service?

I was curious. Comment sections were making a lot of this “issue”. And so, against better judgement and my continued personal well-being, I took a deep dive into the comments to investigate the arguments for “Switchflix”.

The major argument in favour seems to be be to allow for uninterrupted viewing when you need to take a shit.

I sincerely hope this model was well paid for this shot.

Since you can slide the Switch out of its dock, you can take it to the bog with you and continue watching while squeezing your head. No longer will intrepid viewers need to pause marathons of Rick & Morty to fulfil basic biological functions. Quake, humble bathrooms! No longer will generations of timid shitters be captivated by the contents of shampoo bottles. No more mighty structures of toilet roll tubes will be created by the millions of the bored and constipated. Science has well and truly conquered the previously undefeated shit – and through it, we have conquered God himself!

Truly, we are masters of all that we survey.

I’m done being sarcastic now. I’m also not going to mention that a single toilet flush is akin to a poo-laced sprinkler system (even with the toilet lid down) and that your gummy-plastic sheathed Switch will inevitably evolve into a “Shitch” (Pokédex entry pending). Instead, I’m going to focus on the economics of Netflix and poop.

Ask yourself a single question. How many of you consistently watch Netflix all by your lonesome?

I might be slightly biased here. Having the attention span of an absent-minded squirrel means I don’t watch a huge amount of Netflix by myself, and I’m not usually one for marathons. Armed with the Nintendo Netswitch, do you take the solitary trek to the bog, while your Netflix-partner stays downstairs? Or is it Netflix-iquette to invite your close buddy upstairs to share in your shit-stained Switch? I’m curious exactly how far this activity goes and how society will have to adapt to accommodate it.

This, but in the shitter. That’s the future of humanity.

And speaking to the guys in the room, I’m also curious as to where you stand with taking a piss – literally. Would your Switch accompany you to the loo with you for a number one as well as a number two? If you’re a stander, do you use the kickstand to stand it on top of the cistern? Dangers of toilet-slippage aside, I can see some advantages to this – splashes of your undoubtedly healthy stream might well dislodge some poo-particles from your toilet-Switch, making it slightly more hygienic.

I’m afraid that ladies don’t have this particular advantage, and you’re going to have to deal with your lady-poo covered Switch by yourself. If you have a guy-friend, it might be worth asking him to take the Switch with him to the loo, so Nintendo’s latest Zelda-machine can get a ceremonial cleansing from his master of ceremonies.

He’s going to clean your console with his digital cards. Noice.

Alright, so I lied about being done with the sarcasm earlier – so sue me. But I’m still finding this whole situation (should that be “shituation”? *wacky face*) rather amusing. It’s funny to see how strongly people feel about a few extra minutes of Netflix time, and the advantages of having their episode-stream remain uninterrupted by their piss-stream.

And I can say “a few extra minutes” with confidence, since the toilet-Netflixxer shouldn’t begrudge getting their phone or tablet out if they’re in there for the long haul. Netflix’s pause-and-resume services on different devices are really very good – it’s almost as if their business model relies on it.

Netflix
Pictured: business

I can already hear the commentators banging away on their keyboards – aren’t I just swapping one poo-covered device for another? Doesn’t that make you a hypocrite? And alright, I can dig that. But that’s why products like these exist. And sure, you might be able to clean a Switch, but as we’ve already seen, the rubberised coating doesn’t play well with Dbrand skins, and if you’re down to apply potentially corrosive materials to your Switch, that’s your choice. You’re an adult after all.

And that’s what this comes down to at the end of the day – we’re all adults here, and you can choose what you take to toilet and when. Some people even eat on the toilet, and if you’re willing to take cutlery into that environment, I guess there’s no end to what you’ll do in there. But if you’re the kind of person excited by the idea of Netflix on the Switch, take a step back and consider why want this. Ultimately, we’re all in a lifelong battle against entropy, and with so many Netflix-viewing options already existing, is the prospect of Netflix on the Switch even worth burning the calories putting your neurons into action?

Probably not.

lazy-cat-tries-to-help-9
Gotta save that energy for my Afternoon Slouch
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