Fuck you, Alien Swarm.

After playing for around an hour on Alien Swarm, my brave comrades and myself finally reached the last stage of the Jacob’s Hope campaign.

Our task, which we chose to accept, was to detonate a nuclear bomb deep underneath the campaign’s facility in order to raze the alien menace from the face of the Earth.

We suited up, ready to take on the alien menace plaguing the facility. In a break from my usual vocation as the Tech marine, I had chosen the Officer class, in order to fully take advantage of the monstrous shotgun combo afforded to that class. Armed with my Vindicator assault shotgun and a pump-action shotgun as a sidearm, I strode into the fray, blowing apart multiple xenos as I went.

It was all going well until I ran out of ammunition. I was forced to pick up a mining laser, in order to keep the aliens from eating my face. Thankfully, my electrified armour kept my face from being literally eaten by parasites – think Headcrabs, but more persistent.

Bruised, bloodied but never beaten, we made it to the final area. There was an ammo dump too, so I got to refill my shotgun before the final task. We simply had to hack the console to turn the nuke on, before hotfooting it out of the level before the explosion went all Modern Warfare on us. Sounded simple. Until we realised that every motherfucker and their alien cousin was going to turn up to check out the disturbance.

Time’s up; hack’s over. We ran for it. All semblance of squad tactics forgotten, we cheesed it for the exit. Our transport was waiting for us at the very end. Our Medic bit it first, being taken down by aliens flooding into the area. I ran on, followed by our Special Weapons person (sexually equal title). The Tech marine took a one-way ticket next, being gang-banged by remorseless aliens. Just behind me, the Special Weapons person taken down by horde after horde of aliens; a vicious slow motion giving me second-by-second analysis of his brave death. I imagined his soundless mouth telling me to push on, to defeat the alien menace. But with my ears full of alien viscera, and my head down I heard nothing.

Alone, I purged forwards, unloading my shotgun again and again and again. Aliens fell before me, carpeting my squishy path to freedom, Perhaps I had been cold to leave my fellow soldiers behind to die, but that’s the cruel nature of leadership. Sometimes, sacrifices must be made for the good of the mission. Each would be remembered as a martyr for their race. And now, the mission was all. I needed to escape. The end was in sight, I could see the gunship before me, hovering and ready to take me away. Spitting in my face, the devil had sent his finest, and large aliens waited to assail me before my final victory. Shield bug after shield bug awaited me, with legions of regular soldier bugs. I scythed my way through, blowing through rank after rank of exploding alien carcasses. I never bothered with the shield bugs, simply running past them. But this was to my folly. One turned to deliver a mighty blow onto my backpack, hurling my slight body into a pile of wooden boxes. Frantically, I smashed my way through the countless aliens in front of me. But strike after strike took their toll, and I finally fell beneath the unstoppable alien horde. My last sight was the gunship taking off in panic as the alien attempted to claw at it’s undersides…

Afterwards, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. The complaints of lag were well placed, and ultimately led to many of my compatriots downfall, including the brave Special Weapons person. But it was one hell of an exhilarating game, and one I hope to try again.

At which point, the game told me that the mission had been failed.

Fuck you, Alien Swarm. Whether or not we made it back alive or not is not part of the question. The nuke still went off, and we still saved the human race. Each one of us was a brave and forgotten martyr of the human race, and we deserved to be told that we succeeded.

Damn, this wrong needs righting. Fire that game back up!

I’ll admit creative exaggeration on the numbers of aliens in the final part, but it sounded pretty damn good! Either way, Alien Swarm is available for free from the Steam Store now.